


The Uncertainty is What Kills Me

by AliasArchives



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: And more angst tbh, Angst, M/M, Reconciliation Sex, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:47:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15687564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliasArchives/pseuds/AliasArchives
Summary: After being separated from him for upwards of ten years, Eraqus finds himself being drawn back in by Xehanort when the other man seems to be at his lowest point.





	The Uncertainty is What Kills Me

              Eraqus knew that Xehanort’s return to The Land of Departure should have made him pause. He knew that the injured, amnesiac apprentice the older man had brought with him should have been at the forefront of Eraqus’ mind. He knew he needed to focus, and keep his unresolved feelings far away from Xehanort’s view, if only for his own sake while the other man returned for a few short days. He still had apprentices to train, and lessons to teach; there was no room for infatuation, not at his age.

              However, when Xehanort appeared in his bedroom doorway later that night, so dejected and ashamed, he could not help himself. When Xehanort had cleared his throat to alert Eraqus to his presence, Eraqus practically dragged the other man into his arms. He could feel the way Xehanort’s shoulders sagged almost immediately, and the return embrace made his heart skip a beat despite his best attempts to stop it.

              “You were right, Eraqus. I stepped too close to the darkness, and almost killed an innocent apprentice as a result. I should have listened to you…” Tired eyes flickered up to stare at Eraqus, and the usual, vivid fire in his gaze had turned into to a pitiful smolder that Eraqus feared would burn out if he did not act.

               “What’s important right now is that Ventus is alive...We can make this right together, Xehanort. A single mistake will not be your undoing…” Eraqus’ voice was low in the other man’s ear. He quietly shut the door behind them, and guided Xehanort to sit down on his bed with him.

                “You’ve always been the one so firmly rooted in the light, Eraqus...I feel terrible forcing you to right my wrongs.” Xehanort settled, his gaze fell to the floor almost immediately before he placed a hand over his eyes. “It keeps me up well into the night, when I think of what pain I’ve caused you over the years.”

                 “I will always be here to help you, Xehanort, not only simply because of my duty, but also because you are very dear to me…” Eraqus’ hand slowly reached out and caressed Xehanort’s shoulder. He let out a deep sigh before leaning in to close the distance between their bodies.

 ---

                 That night they would rekindle something Eraqus knew he was better off without. He was brought back to when they had been younger, more hopeful and eager to explore,when he and Xehanort had been eager to love and be loved in return.

                 While Xehanort had certainly aged just like him, his familiar musculature flexing beneath Eraqus’ fingertips was still exhilarating. Teeth dug into Eraqus’ throat, and it brought forward a similar reaction from him as it had years before. Heavy panting filled the air, blunt nails finding purchase in Xehanort’s shoulders, and the growls emanating from his throat spurred Eraqus to claw even more into rigid muscle.

                 “Did you ever take another?” Xehanort murmured as he slowed his thrusts. He had readjusted himself so that he could press his lips against the shell of Eraqus’ ear, and Eraqus could feel his heart drumming hard from exertion.

                 “No...I couldn’t...” Eraqus kept his answer simple, and he refused to ask the question in return. In all honesty, he didn’t want to know if Xehanort had been with others while they had been apart. He knew that the question would only lead to pain, and there had been enough of that for the both of them to last their lifetimes. Instead, he focused on the now; he kept his mind fixed on the body around him and inside of him. In this moment Xehanort was his to hold, to love, to comfort, and to pleasure. In all their years apart, Eraqus couldn’t expect him to never take another partner, but he didn’t want to hear about the details, now or ever.

                  “I always thought about you.” It felt as though Xehanort had read his mind, and it sent a wave of jealousy through Eraqus’ body. Instead of responding verbally, Eraqus simply let out a non committal hum in response. He didn’t need to know about Xehanort’s endeavors over the past few years, but maybe the other man being so open about the subject was a good thing. Maybe it was his way of reassuring Eraqus. Either way, he pulled Xehanort in for another kiss. He let a hard nip land on the other man’s lower lip, almost in warning, before he flipped them so that Eraqus straddled Xehanort’s hips.

                   “As did I, beloved.” He let his fingers trace over Xehanort’s cheekbones, all the way down to his jaw before Xehanort moved his head and expose his neck.

                   “Am I yours?” His adam’s apple bobbed as he spoke, and Eraqus pressed chapped lips to it before letting out a tired chuckle.

                   “If you wish it, Xeha...I never asked you to leave.” Slowly he grinded down, his breath hitching in his throat as he found just the right spot for Xehanort to hit. A smile crept over his lips.

                   “I suppose...After all I did, however…” Xehanort’s hands, which had settled on Eraqus’ hips, now slid up his body until he reached his face. He then caressed Eraqus’ cheeks. “After all the pain I caused you...How could you ever still want me?”

                   “My heart never stopped wanting you…” Eraqus clutched the sheets on either side of Xehanort’s head. “But I feared you were too far gone...I thought you were lost to the darkness, and that I would never see you as you were, as you are right now, again.”

                   They stared at one another in silence, their breathing evening out despite the fact neither one had reached their end. Eraqus swallowed, wondering if his admittance had ruined their evening, until Xehanort dragged him down, and captured his lips in a soft kiss.

                    Their reunion was quiet in order to not attract the attention of the apprentices, but with how hard Eraqus’ heart thundered in his chest when it was all over, he momentarily wondered if the whole castle could hear his heartbeat. He slid off of Xehanort and collapsed into bed, with a hand reaching out to intertwine with Xehanort’s. He felt an arm snake around his side, and familiar scruff nuzzle into his back, but there were no words spoken between the two as sleep pulled Eraqus into its grip.

 ---

                     When Eraqus awoke the next morning, the bed was cold and he felt clammy and unclean. He lifted his head up, and scanned the bedroom, looking for some signs of Xehanort, only to find himself once again alone. It made sense; Xehanort had no idea where the apprentices’ rooms were, so waking up early and slipping back to his room was the easiest way to ensure Terra and Aqua would not catch him or Eraqus. Not to mention if they did get caught, there was no chance that Eraqus would be able to hide the truth. He could care less if his apprentices knew he was in a relationship in general. What he did care about was the fact that he had next to no idea on how his and Xehanort’s relationship would work now, or if it was something he wanted any of them to observe or possibly mimic.

_They deserve better than this..._ Eraqus knew that much, too. His and Xehanort’s relationship was complicated, to put things mildly; it was better that they didn’t drag any of the apprentices into it, even if that meant some secrecy.  
  
                     “Master Eraqus, Ventus is awake!” Aqua’s call dragged Eraqus from his thoughts, and he realized with a jolt that his apprentice was most likely coming to get him and he was in a fairly compromising state. He quickly yanked his clothing back onto his body and straightened it out, just in time for his eldest apprentice to knock on his door.  
  
                     It was in that moment Eraqus was relieved Aqua wasn’t as impulsive as Terra. He let out a gentle sigh before moving to open up the door. “He’s awake?” He then noted the state of the girl, worry slipping over his features. “Aqua, did you sit up with him all night?”  
                     “Yes, I thought you’d want to know. I--thought it would be better for him to wake up with someone there, after what happened yesterday.” She explained. When she met his gaze, Eraqus swore he saw his own worry reflected back at him.   
  
                     “Master, are you all right? Usually you’re the earliest riser here...”  
  
                     “Sometimes it’s better to get a bit of extra sleep. Speaking of which, I suggest you go lay down. We’ll have training in the afternoon today.” Before she could question him, Eraqus put a hand on his apprentice’s shoulder. “I will see to Ventus. I won’t have you trying to help him running on no sleep; we both know how that turns out.”  
  
                     The light flush on Aqua’s cheeks made Eraqus smile ever so slightly. “Yes, master…Thank you,” she replied.  
  
                     “Thank you,” he echoed. There was a pause, and just as Aqua turned to go to her room, Eraqus spoke again, “Have you seen Master Xehanort today?”  
  
                     She frowned, and Eraqus felt his stomach twist itself into knots. “Yes...He passed by Ventus’ room this morning, and told me he was leaving. It seemed like he had something important to do; he left quickly.”  
  
                     “I see...Thank you.” He nodded appreciatively, before moving to his bathroom to tuck his hair into order, and make himself look slightly less worn down than he actually felt. It was definitely for the best that the apprentices didn’t know what was going on, and maybe it was better for Eraqus, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so remember how I said I had something cooking up for Eraqus/Xehanort? I wasn't lying, it just...Took a few months to get around to finishing it.
> 
> Basically what I wanted to explore with this one was why Eraqus accepted Xehanort back into his life by the time Birth By Sleep happened, and I have a funny feeling it has something to do with Xehanort acting repentant for almost killing Ventus. I think after all the time he and Eraqus have spent together, as apprentices, as lovers, or a combination of the two, Eraqus would be likely to forgive Xehanort if he saw SOME of what he remembered Xehanort being like after all those years of separation.
> 
> I also left this mid-way through the editing process to consume large amounts of food, so any ideas I had after it was done are gone 8D;


End file.
